Got Unbanned from elephant journal today!

May 27th, 2012

Well, It looks like i got unbanned. Waylon wrote me another email or two.  It seems that some of my points got lost in my own sensational language.  I’d like to make it clear that I don’t think waylon, the elephant, or its staff, is homophobic, or in general prejudiced.  I was merely suggesting two things…

First, that using a lousy book about BDSM as a jumping off point to picking on people who have a kinky sexuality is hurtful.  And that it’s unnecessary to have a vanilla pride manifesto. it reads like a thinly veiled attack to those of us who already feel shy or hesitant to share this part of our lives with the world.  Wether that is the intention or not, it reads that way. I realize that I write this anonymously.  Partly because I feel shy about letting just anybody know this is part of my life.  Also, I have some believe that most people simply aren’t interested in what my bedroom activities are.  Just as I’m not really interested in the sexuality of the people over at the Elephant.  Except for maybe that one girl….. anyhow, As a result of this, i have been chided a bit for being secretive.  It was always moot before.  I never intended to be an activist. Just a guy musing about sex, and posting some pictures that he thinks are hot.

And Second, that his vocal and repeated insistence  that he wasn’t kinky, made me think that maybe he was a closet kinkster.  I think that is still possible.  Of course, this is me being silly. I couldn’t presume to know what anyone else likes, but it does remind me of Shakespeare’s phrase, “Methinks the lady doth protest too much”.  Its low hanging fruit, for sure.  I’d still love to read the article where Waylon visits the pro-domme, and documents his experience, getting a spanking.

So, I didn’t mean to go in for a personal, ad hominem attack (now i have to google ‘logical fallacies’ and figure out which one is ad hominem), but i was a bit fired up, and did use some firery and slightly personal rhetoric.  I was hoping it would be read as slightly humorous too…ah, live and learn.

As it stands, I was invited to write an article.  I will probably call it, “the tantric gifts of BDSM”, if i write it at all.  Which will then mean i have to do a photoshop of W in some leather slave gear.  That might be too much work… and so, of to dinner.

I don’t appreciate, given my work and track record, being vaguely accused of homophobia. Whether this were aimed at me or another, I’d block said commenter. We don’t go in for ad hominem, personal attacks. You have to understand that my life’s work is for equality, for eco responsibility, and being accused of racism, sexism or prejudice against GLBTQ brothers or sisters goes against everything I’ve devoted myself and sacrificed for.

I made a simple argument: it’s 1) bad writing 2) I don’t find violence, or feigned violence, a turn-on. That’s my (albeit limited) opinion. No need to get personal. If you’d like to offer another perspective, write your views, we’ll feature it!
And am happy to un-ban you, grudges take too much energy.
and then right after….

Dear Anonymous friend,

Just saw your blog, thanks to your tweet about it…love it. And love your followup. Sorry, I just don’t like the whole being-vaguely-accused-of-homophobia thing, I can’t really stand for that.

As for having a problem with S&M, as long as it’s coming from a safe, loving place, I’ve got no problem with it. I did not feel that the scenes I read from Shades of Grey represented that. They represented danger, and uncertainty, which obviously without safety or respect or love can be dangerous things. That was my point: from a feminist or “man-ist” point of view, there’s nothing sexy about the possibility of actually hurting someone.
PS: you should add my two responses to your response and make the whole thing an article on elephant and then you should do a column on elephant and further enlighten me and our readers about kinky sex or whathaveyou.
In which case, I’ll use the goddessWaylonBDSM photoshop as my profile image, promise.

Got Banned from the Elephant Journal Today

May 26th, 2012

So, at least i did something useful…..

Waylon is a nice guy really. I like him. But he wrote a lousy article, attacking BDSM, and citing “50 shades” as his reason. A book of questionable quality for sure, and one that he hasn’t even read.

the article is here

To which i responded:

great, so you can add lazy journalist to your bio, next to lazy yogi. You wrote a lousy, poorly constructed article about a lousy book that you haven’t even read, just to “foment discussion”. is traffic to the site so bad, that you have to stoop to attacking alternative sexualities? why the vanilla sexuality manifesto? people who are into BDSM know that it is ok to be vanilla, we actually accept people’s proclivities without paying lip service to them. What can we expect next from the elephant? a post where you talk about how its ok for you to be heterosexual, because you don’t find homosexuality “sexy” ? maybe you’ll give us examples of gay people who were molested in childhood, and use that as proof that homosexuality is somehow the activity of the damaged. Really, I think you protest too much, cause really no one cares one bit about your sexuality. You are starting to remind me of right wing fundamentalist who attacks gay people and then gets caught with a rentboy. I would not be surprised in the slightest, if some pictures get leaked of our dear waylon chained down in leather, with his junk in a hemp rope harness, gleefully licking the boot of a urdhva dhanurasana yoga goddess. and that is totally cool. you get yours waylon, you kinky freak.

So, sure, kinda incendiary, but i think i make alot of great points, and i do think that waylon would look smashing in fetish gear.

to which he responded:

Well, you can add anonymous insulter to yours.

I may remind you of a right-winger…only because you know nothing about me. I’ve written literally hundreds, upon hundreds, of gay rights posts—it’s the civil rights cause of our era, and one I and I hope the whole of our generation will play some role in setting right.

I felt like he kinda missed the point, so i wrote back:

dude, i do know you. we’ve shaken hands, and shared a laugh. If we were face to face, i would say this stuff all right too you, and I wish i could, because I’m sure you’d feel the humor and love that comes along with this particular ear beating.
you are missing the analogy. I know you love people, and you would never make homophobic posts. What I am saying is that kinky people are deserving of the same respect as people of any other orientation. I’m saying that you asserting your non-kink identity is that same as asserting heterosexual identity. its unnecessary, and it’s privileged. And it further marginalizes and stigmatizes those who are already marginalized and stigmatized.
I think you owe it to your readers to go visit a dungeon, or some other similar locale, and interview a pro domme, or someone similar, with curiosity and sincerity , and report back impartially. that would be some good journalism, brother. courageous, and hard working journalism.

But I got banned, I can’t post my response.  oh well.  so sad.  I wish i had more free time, cause i would totally photoshop waylon and the yoga goddess together in a dirty, dirty, position.

Love Ya, Brother!

Lily Allen – “Not Fair”

November 6th, 2011

The trouble with pickup artists, a tantric perspective, Part 1

November 6th, 2011

I made a friend last year.  He was sharing in an AA meeting.  He was from out of town, here on business.  And he just relapsed.  Cause his sister killed herself.  So, I did the right neighborly thing, and asked if he wanted to go grab a bite to eat after the meeting.  We became friends, and he would sometimes sleep on my futon and he would buy me dinner when he was in town for work.  I think he could put it on his expense account.

Well, guys talk about girls. He discovered that I lean towards the poly.  I might date a few different women at a time, with varying levels of seriousness, and that these women have knowledge of this, and that these women are not much bothered by it.  And often, they tend to be dating a few different men at a time.

He seemed kind of fascinated that I managed to date successfully (which might be a matter of perspective, really, cause i often feel like an inept mess) and that I knew what to say to women (again, AAHHH), and that i seemed to know intuitively that kind of stuff he had been learning in what he refered to as “the pickup community”

Which is where it starts to get weird for me.

I’ve heard of the pickup community only briefly in passing.  I think i watched half a mtv reality show with a douchebag in a furry hat training other, less attractive douchebags to be confident in their quest to meet women.  I think there were alot of ugly necklaces too.  And then maybe i did a google search for 15 minutes, about 5 years ago.  And everything seemed gross and manipulative, and so i moved back to my standard fare of cats, boingboing, and massage porn.

But My new buddy loves it.  He thinks it great.  It doesn’t seem to be working for him very well, but these things take time, i suppose.

So thats just the intro.  In my next post, I’m going to talk about some of the things that he tells me, and what my responses are, and why i have such a problem with it.  It is possible that my friend isn’t representing it well, and that my concerns are unfounded.  I’m not likely to do any further research on this topic. So you’re going to have to take some responsibility for deciding for yourself.


Choking: Cause She Likes It

October 9th, 2011

So yesterday, over broccoli rabe and grilled chicken sandwiches, i explained to my new AA sponsor (we’ll call him Bill), how to choke someone safely.  How we got on the topic, I don’t know, but we did.  There you have it.

So, In case you’re curious, the way I do it, is:

I make a big C shape with my hand, and i reach around the windpipe and the blood vessels, and I clamp my fingers into the muscles in the sides of the neck.  I push in really hard on the meat there.  I totally work around the windpipe, I have no desire to accidentally crush one, nor do I have any desire to accidentally send someone into unconsciousness, or worse.  My hands are big enough to reach, and strong enough, to get a powerful grip.  I can exert a lot of control, shake them about,  hold them down, and still be really really safe.  Choking is something to be careful with, and I’d rather be safe than sorry.   If it really bothers you, you can punish your friend for having such a fragile neck, and take it out on a sturdier part of their anatomy.

So I tell Bill about this, and I watch him play with it, practicing on his own neck.  He smiles, and says, “My girlfriend is going to be in big trouble if I keep hanging around with you.”

“Whoa, Dude”, I say as I hold my hands up, “You’re only allowed to do that to her, if she likes it.”

“Oooohhhh” he says.  I think he realizes that makes sense.  You can’t just roll up to the grown woman that you’ve with for six years and start choking her out of nowhere. That would probably already be in your repertoire, if it really turned her on.

Also, I feel like it gives him a different perspective on me.  Like he realizes that I’m not running around, picking up girls in coffee shops, taking them home, and just choking the living shit out of them.  This kind of party at requires a conversation.

I texted a playmate after our meeting, and briefly described what transpired. She responded, “How do you do it?”

I’ve done it to her before, she should remember.  I’ll remind her soon enough.


It’s hard always being on the bottom.

May 10th, 2011

We’re here to help.